Possibility...

Sometimes I wonder why we even go through the heart wrenching, pain-staking task of having a relationship.
After not seeing Bond for several days due to his travels, I was left with the most dreadful feeling. I was missing him. In order to keep myself busy and my mind off of anything that remotely reminded me of him, I spent the next couple of days sleeping, working out, and enjoying the nightlife of one of the most flamboyant communities. A few nights ago, I found myself running around West Hollywood with my gay husband and gay boyfriend. I had forgotten how much fun enjoying one’s self without the goal of a hookup was.

Why have we become so obsessed with finding someone? I came to realize that what we all had in common was our endless search for the one. However, on this particular night most of the people around me were looking for the one right now. After a night of bar hoping, red shoe clicking, and drunken texting, I knew that I had to have a talk with Bond. What is even scarier is when you know what you want and peruse that knowing that such fulfillment will cause many sacrifices.

We had planned to meet up on Friday at 3 o’clock at the corner of Weyburn and “I hope I don’t Melt When I See Him.” It seems like no matter what age men are, they all have this shared fear of growing up. I was angered and frankly pissed off at Bond. Something strange was happening between us, I had let him in, but I was getting the feeling that he was pulling out. I had spent the afternoon talking to Yorker trying to figure out what the hell was going on with Bond. Was he scared? Were we moving too fast? I couldn’t believe I was asking these questions with a man whom I had never intended to see more than a couple of dates. I have come to realize that men in their 30’s are like men in their 20’s, no matter how much they grow in age or wrinkles, they still fear the possibility.

Possibility. Possibility is what you make out of any situation. It is my belief that the universe gives you the chance and our job is to make the most out of that. We tend to run away from these moments because of what may be, because what may be can be lost; hence, if you never had it you can never lose it.

(While making my way down to the Village I bumped into one of the men that I took a chance with. He was every bit the fantasy. I met 46 during one of my very stimulating history courses my first year of college. The chemistry was undeniable. He was gorgeous and I was seeing Preppy. Two year later, 46 and I walked into the same seminar class; six people big, he sat next to me and the rest was history. That entire quarter, each class session was like an intense flirting match. After weeks of fantasizing, 46 and I did the deed. It was everything I imagined, and that’s all I ever wanted it to be. We always tend to run into each other from time to time either at Maloney’s or on campus and he always gives me that look, the “We should grabs drink sometime…” But I like to leave it where it is. Sometimes once a fantasy has been met, it’s best to leave it alone and not tamper with it. Going in too deep is not always worth it.)

Then again sometimes you find yourself so deeply involved that you start gasping for air. The air quality is fine, but your head is telling you that you can’t breath. It’s amazing how once the walls come down how paranoid and scared one can be. Timing, we are either running late or time just does not move fast enough. It is timing that brings people into our life. It is timing that causes us to assess things that we believe mattered to us the most.

I walked into the café quarter past three. There he was with a smile so bright I almost reconsidered putting on my sunglasses. That day I told Bond what I wanted. I was no longer the girl to just have fun, to not care if he called me or not. I was the woman that was starting to think about the possibility. I figured I could either live in fear of what may be or jump in the saddle with a firm grip as I face those brick walls. Because it is those brick walls that prove to us how badly we want things.

Posted by Armenian Chronicles at 10:40 PM 1 comments
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2009