Post Bond World

The clock struck midnight and I was still trying to park my car on his busy street. Fifteen minutes later I was knocking on his door ready for a quick trill. As I walked in his sterile apartment it hit that I was tired, sleepy, and just not that into him.

We had met four years ago at an alumni mixer; he was short, handsome, and perfect on paper. Last month he came messaging back into my world, though I knew I didn’t feel anything for him I thought I should give it a shot. Cause that is what you do when you want to find someone to love, you give them a chance. In this Post Bond world, I had found myself going back to my roots, back to my family, back to Armenians, back to being Me. The interesting thing was that dating and finding a man to be with was all of a sudden something that had moved to the back burner. It had left me tired, uninterested, and unsatisfied. Ten minutes in the door, I said I was feeling sick from my sushi dinner and went home.

“You’re that girl that Jack Johnson sings about.” Okay? I read over his text again. Who is That Girl? Doesn’t Jack Johnson sing about Curious George, the monkey? “Hope.” Fuck. Am I really That Girl??

For the past six months I had been roaming in this thing called life like a lost child. Hope? Sure. Love? Nah. Sex? Please. The Good on Paper had just compared be to a song about a woman who is lost, confused, living in a jaded existence. The sad truth was that that’s who I was slowly becoming. Someone hoping that she did not end up alone.

After hearing such a comment from a man that I was just not that into I did what any other girl would do, I changed my hair. A cut, dye, and new style later I secretly prayed that my new due would accomplish whatever a new hairstyle was supposed to. In my case it was numerous comments around the fact that I had changed my hair and that it looked “cute!” The next step was to clean out the rut that was my closet. I stood in front of the fabulous mess that was my wardrobe and threw out everything and anything that reminded of the person that I was becoming, a bitter, empty, and confused child. It was out with the faux and in with the vrai. Three trash bags, two glasses of wine, and six episodes of “The Real Housewives of New York” later I threw on my New Balances and went out with my dad for burgers.

Having moved back home with my parents made me feel like the prodigal daughter. I had ventured off to the world of recklessness, sin, and emptiness to only find myself back in the comfort of my family. That summer I slept, ate, and relearned the process of starting over. By the end of August I had a new job I loved, a family I connected with, and a new wardrobe to match my improved self.

I met him during my first day of work, all six feet of him. He was tall, dark, and handsome. I never thought much of him only that his Armenian was too perfect. I saw him at work once a week and greeted him, very professionally. I found myself attracted to this forbidden fruit but quickly turned off any hope of him being able to handle me.

For the rest of the year I had become married to my job, which will remain a mystery in order to protect my identity. Nevertheless I was thrown into a whole new world of the Armenian community. With each project, each interview, each event I was glad that I silently decided to follow my dreams. Before I knew it, I was getting dressed to celebrate the starting of the New Year. 2009, what it year it had been and how ready was I to see it in the past. Unlike the years before me, I was ready to find love but not actively searching for it. I was tried of running, hunting, and working towards building something with nothing. I rang in the New Year with copious shots of tequila with my mom, numerous toasts with my dad, and wild stories with my brothers. At the struck of midnight I felt something I had ever felt, maybe it was the fact that I was with my family and happy, maybe it was the fact that I was truly free, maybe it was the fact that I knew that life is possible, or maybe it was the fact that I believed I will find true love.