Love? Or the Armenian Family?

Last night I started to write a letter to Bond, who had flown off to the Middle East for work. With each passing day I tell myself that things will get easier, but as I become more invested I have come to lose my heart, self, and ability to believe. The events that lead to my letter were a combination of guilt and fear that Bond and I can never be.


I was visiting my family who was celebrating the birth of my older brother’s first child. By the end of the evening the cognac was gone and every one was in state of drunkenness. As everyone went off to do his or her own thing I found myself with my brother in my parent’s kitchen. “Look, I know you are seeing someone. You might not be saying anything, but I know. I was waiting for you to bring it up, but I am telling you now. Nip it in the bud.” The last line was a like a punch in the stomach. I have thrown out the hints and clues that there is someone in my life and even hinted at the fact that he is not Armenian. The denial of my parents was slowly fading while their notion of them being able to control my feelings was taking place.


For the past year I have been feeling guilt, shame, love, happiness, and something new in my life: hope. It often breaks my heart to find myself in such a situation. Living a double life can lead one to resent those who are closest to you; it may be a parent or a sibling. These fears of the “odar” in the Armenian culture that has lead so many young American- Armenians to live a separate life. A life where they are happy, in love, and comfortable with who they are. However, once they enter the Armenian world the feelings vanish and despair sets in.


It seems to blow my mind how most young Armenian women are able to meet the doctors or lawyers at such a young age and settle. My belief has been that these settlements that are taking place are based on the fact that they, the women would be financially secure in life. But what happens to emotional security? It seems like with the present day recession, more recent college graduates or college aged women are settling for what seems like a recession proof marriage.


But the real recession taking place is with love. In days like today if someone has found what may be real genuine love, they are the wealthiest individuals. At the end of the day it is the richness of love that prevails.


Being in love with an “odar” is anything but. In the past few months I slowly became aware of the fact that by choosing a life with Bond would mean that I would have to forgo the life I have or had with my family and the Armenian community. Being able to say these words out loud took time and courage on my behalf. There were many stages of it: denial, breakdowns, and loss of hope. But the reality is that by choosing one man I may lose another, my father.


After what seemed like an eternity I looked down on the blank piece of paper, ripped it up, and accepted the path I have chosen.

Posted by Armenian Chronicles at 4:43 PM 14 comments
MONDAY, APRIL 27, 2009